Introspection

It's easy to write the truth when it's your truth, or the subjective truth. Things as you see them are natural to convey without much thought, part of why many of the greatest lies are mostly truth. What is substantially harder to do though is observe let alone repeat the objective truth, the facts as they are completely and without without bias or subjective qualities. Yet even still as hard as that may be it's rarer to have them said. To clarify writing and saying are indeed not the same, just because I tell you something with words on a page is not the same as having truly told you. In this time of so much writing of all kinds it's unusual to actually hear someone tell you the truth, apparently it's just too difficult. Instead we cower behind our screens like they somehow protect us from reality. Often when this rare occasion occurs it falls on deaf ears or so it would seem as we're too busy to hear it and it simply gets lost in the ocean of ignorance drowning the world today.

I am no different or exempt from this as I too have ignored the truth when it stares me in the face. I however at least acknowledge it and face it in my own time. I realize only now that the truth can not wait or be waited on, it appears when and where it chooses and if you're not prepared for it you will be passed by. Being prepared and waiting are also very different though the efforts required for each are similar in nature.  I've known these things perhaps later than I should though at least I know them now which is in itself a large move in the right direction.

I've taken time recently due to recent events as you may have guessed to look hard at myself and see the objective truths in my life. This has helped me develop a new and cleaner plan than I had before with very specific goals compared to the vague outline I'd had before in a direction that I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with anymore. I was setting my aim a little low before and had only hoped to eventually be an environmental artist or a project manager in the games industry. My subsets of that to accomplish that goal were similarly vague and given that my resources did not provide an adequate method for establishing myself in an existing company I'd decided to form my own. Now I see that it was indeed a wise choice and it happens to fit nicely with my new plan. That is to clarify that my new plan did not directly incorporate any existing materials from the outset. Rather I designed it so that it was the most effective method to accomplish my new plans. Then in review I found that I'd inadvertently laid the ground work for my empire.

My new plan is less of a carpet bomb and more of a surgical strike team. I have immediate short term goals easily obtainable, factions and facets necessary to accomplish more difficult tasks, a timeline for the future with major and minor milestones and a handful of solid ideas to build my company and plans to accomplish them. There will be no fail-safes on this as it's do or die and I intend on living.

Waiting To Die

I can't just pick things up where I left off and resume like nothing has changed. Recent events obviously have become a critical turning point in my life and have brought about a revolution of the mind within me. It's astounding how clear things have become. I also find myself embracing philosophies I'd disregarded before.

I'd always been a fan of Socrates and his various philosophies but I'd disregarded one almost entirely not any any principal or because I disagreed with it I'd just found it inefficient and irrelevant and in itself disregarding what I'd thought to be more important which was the future. The key concept was that you should live only in the moment, purely, entirely, and completely. By doing so the mind would be open to the truth of the world and everything in it. Not quite mindless but focus-less, you wouldn't fixate on any single thing but rather everything. I think of it now as more of a purity of life being released from everything that weighs you down.

My death wasn't a wake up call or a realization, in itself it did not bring me this revelation now stirring but rather convinced me to stop blindly walking the path I was on and look at the road itself. I'm not looking to where it leads because it's constantly moving and shifting, forming circles and angles that can't be seen by themselves nor through or past, instead I'm focusing solely on what the path is comprised of and what lies beyond its borders, the scenery if you will. I'm tempted to look back though, yet I don't for the answers I've received may have messages written on their backs that may not be in my best interest to know as of yet. I'm sure some day I will, however it's still too early for that.

On the specifics of why I was in Russia and how I got there I've found someone that has told me everything after breaking my nose with their foot. Though I'm not sure if even I believe it yet. I remember bits and pieces of it for sure which lends credence in their favor but I'll wait until I remember all of it for myself. To clarify I wasn't in a slide out little box I was in a walk in freezer type situation, which I thought was clear enough already but apparently at least one person was confused about that. Morgues generally have a few different ways and places they store bodies and when they're under a heavy load they just start stacking bodies on one another, thankfully I did have a space all to myself. When I woke up yes I was very stiff, in fact most if not all of my bones did crack and I thought I'd actually broken one at one point. They did let me keep my toe tag and death certificate as a souvenir. It's funny though, I was so sure that if I was going to die young it'd be here in Flint or in nearby Detroit.

Take tomorrow and live it fully without thinking even a few seconds into the future just do things at random if anyone asks you to do something make up your own mind but don't think about it just go with your first gut instinct. Feel free to share your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions.